Rebellion, anger and finally peace

My entire life has been lived in rebellion. I've carried a big ol' bunch of anger too... I swear, I was born with it!

When my son died, I got angry at God after a while (at first, God is who I clung to and then I backslid because of this anger), and decided that he wasn't what I thought, and he took my son, and how dare he, and blah, blah, blah.

Of course, I'm still not okay with the loss of my boy, but I have finally come to a place in my life where I can accept it and not have anger. This took me 20 years this month (since his death). It's seriously a miracle that it was just lifted away one day. I was carrying this weight like it was a huge piano on my back and it's gone.

The problem is, I was raised to believe that there was this loving God that wouldn't want me to hurt. The picture that was painted in my mind was that he would never let me be hurt. I had no clue that the hurts that the hurt I often experienced were a result of  my own poor choices - therefore becoming LESSONS. Not ALL of them were due to poor choices, though. Definitely not the loss of my son. I have a lot of questions for God one day, but maybe when the day comes, it won't even matter anymore because I won't be on Earth anymore. 

It is a miracle in itself that I don't have that strong rage anymore. I accept it as it is. I don't know how it happened, but it was almost like a light switch. It happened very recently. A miracle in itself.

No one ever actually told me this, but through experience, I have learned that acceptance is crucially important to healing. I didn't want to accept it, because it was not okay!

I expressed all my anger to God and it was sheer RAGE. For 20 years, I said things that made me wonder if I had blasphemed and if God would ever, ever forgive me for that if I ever decided to ask him to, which I doubted I ever would - at least not until I was on my deathbed and just didn't want to go to Hell.

It came to a point where I had expressed my anger about God to other people enough that they finally stopped pressuring me to rededicate my life to him and trust him. 
I said many times I am the only one that I will ever trust again and I am the only one that I can rely on. It's a good thing I didn't die in the middle of all that because I would have probably gone straight to Hell!

I can't even explain this, but one day recently, I was just having a conversation with my brother-in-law. Just a conversation. He is a devout Christian, but he knew somehow not to preach at me (I can be realllllyyyyy scary when I'm angry). We just had a simple conversation, and he said something about why he was still here on earth with all the health problems he's got. Something about how when he would wake up in the morning he would just wonder why. But then he said he was shown why. It was where he is in his life that puts him in the places that he goes for therapy and so on. He said now he knows it's because he is a witness to those people in that place. It hit home somehow. 

I went home and somehow just gently eased back into Christianity. I can't even explain it. There was no rebellion, or dragging my feet, or kicking and screaming. It was a gentle thing. I guess it had to be. If anything would have attempted to force itself, I would have rebelled! I am still in awe of the simplicity of all of it.

I hate to cry.
I will go to great lengths not to cry. 
This rededication of my life to Christ didn't make me cry. I was afraid I would cry at the church service that I went to last Sunday evening (The walls didn't bleed, and it was the first time I'd gone to church in years). It's the church that I was a member of years ago. The church that I used to be the secretary. The church where we had my son's memorial service. There were some tears, but it's because I have really terrible allergies, haha. 

It's just been so peaceful and so easy. Everyone's experience is different in this realm, but if you are in rebellion, I highly recommend a little prayer, nothing memorized or written, just talking to God like he's right there in the room with you. The way I see it is, God knows my heart 100%. He can see beyond all the facades and reasoning. It's really easy for me to just talk to him. So, when you talk to him, it should be something easy. Bear your soul and tell him your thoughts! That's the only way it works on us rebels! I think if we do it any other way, we're doing it with a motive. 

Speaking of motives, I can remember my oldest brother reading the Bible when he was in trouble... He never read it any other time. Also, he made a spectacle of it so everyone would see him doing it. Somehow that was supposed to lessen his punishment in the human realm. That's my earliest recollection of motive based actions. Of course we should talk to God and read our Bible, but mostly because there's a gentle urging and we can feel it in our spirit - that gives us the desire to. We do need to be faithful about it, though. Not because we're trying to impress someone else or make a bargain with God to get out of trouble. I believe Christianity isn't something you do to bargain with God. You do it because you plan to stay with it and you are turning away from all the things that you were doing that were sinful. 

I turned away from most of the things I was doing that were wrong even when I wasn't a Christian...
We all live in sin every single day, so we need to ask for forgiveness because it just happens because we are creatures of habit and we're human beings and we make poor choices. 
For me, it's mostly my mouth... I tend to cuss... a lot. But, I no longer smoke, drink, do drugs, and I'm celibate. It's freeing. I no longer have those temptations and I'm not even drawn to that stuff anymore. It sure makes it easier. That all happened easily for me. I don't miss any of it. I didn't pray that it would be easy and I wasn't even a Christian then. •••• I fully believe that the prayers that were being said for me and the prayers of my people that have gone before me are what made that happen so easily••••  Also, a lot of abusive relationships that I was fed up with, but those were my own poor choices . That's what I mean about celibacy being freeing - I don't have to even worry anymore about dating or impressing anyone by wearing makeup or dressing fancy or anything. Yay!

Keep it simple. It's not about drawing attention to yourself or trying to impress another earthly soul. And don't think God doesn't know if you have motives... He knows.


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