Forgiveness - part of my testimony

Forgiveness - in this past year, I have finished clearing the slate that had every offense marked on it that I kept carrying with me that weighed thousands of pounds. 

Generally, I'm pretty quick to forgive and it's not hard for me, but there were certain things that I kept carrying because they were so wrong, and extremely difficult. I couldn't manage to completely let them go. I'm a million pounds lighter in spirit now. Too bad my body didn't follow... Haha!

I'm writing this in hopes that it helps someone else. Otherwise, there's no reason to. It's just my testimony to help other people. Please understand that I am not saying it to toot my own horn.

In all things, there's good and there's bad. Therefore, I am listing these things with pros, cons and bonuses....

Con:

I had an abusive childhood, both mentally and physically.

Pros:

What it taught me was how to be tough. Praise God that I'm not weak and I can handle what life throws at me without ending up in the fetal position and crying... 

Bonus: 

I forgave my abuser(s). God revealed to me that these people are broken, and I kind of knew that already. I know have a burden for all children who are going through a rough childhood and I have compassion and empathy, Even though later on in life my own children went through their own kind of hell with me as their mother, and their dad. Looking back with all my regrets, even makes me more empathetic. I can't turn back time. I can't change any of it. I also struggle with forgiveness of myself, and that's the hardest thing right now I'm battling with. I'm praying about it and I hope that I am able to conquer it.

I had already forgiven my father and we reconnected as adults and had a wonderful camaraderie. But somehow, deep down, I was still carrying those past offenses. You can't completely forgive if that's the way you're going to do things. You have to forgive it all and stop thinking of it and taking it back. Let. It. Go. I praise God so much that this finally did happen for me.

............................

Con:

In 1972, when I was 13 years old, I was a virgin and I was raped.

Pros:

In the long run, it taught me that you can't control another person and you can't change what happened. All you can do is go forward armed with knowledge. It also helped lessen me from being gullible so much. It's a hard lesson, but I'm one of those people that probably won't learn much until I have to go through something extremely difficult. There's a reason for everything.

Bonus:

I have forgiven my rapist. It turns out he was/is a serial rapist of mostly very young girls, and I may have been the first. But you see, I could not continue to carry that load. I cannot allow it to define me. When we keep carrying it, it hinders our spiritual walk. We have to give it to God and then trust that he's taken care of it and it's no longer for us to carry. I cannot fix the guy, But I began praying for him. It took me many, many years, but forgiveness did come. I continue to pray for him. He is a very sick individual. I knew him. He was my friend's brother. 

............................

Con:

When I was 14 years old (in 1973) I was kidnapped by the Bandidos motorcycle club.

Pros:

I learned of much evil. I learned that there are people in this world who strive to do bad. It taught me to be more guarded and protect myself as much as possible. It taught me that even these bad people can come across as being very kind. It taught me all about motives. In all of these things I am going to be mentioning here, I want to point out that along the way I was gaining wisdom and knowledge, even when I was in danger. 

I also want to point out that I was also protected and could easily have been killed. That protection reverts back to my grandmother, mother, aunt, and sister's prayers. That's a whole other sermon! Lol

Bonus:

I have forgiven my kidnappers. I realize that they were bound by sin and I pray for them. I do not know if they are still in prison or not, but they have probably repeated the behavior or committed crimes beyond that and could have been readmitted, or could be dead. I can only hope that somehow through it all they came to Christ instead!

It is of no concern to me where are they are and what they're doing...it is nothing I want to delve into or carry. I let it go and gave it to God and I can do nothing more than trust Him.

............................

Con: 

In 1975 when I was 15 years old I was violently raped by my friends husband. It came out of nowhere and was extremely unexpected. I trusted these people...

Pros:

I thought I could trust these people - but from the start, to be really honest, this guy made my skin crawl. Because of what happened, I learned to trust my gut instinct. I feel that it is a god-given thing. 

This was a hard learning experience, and both times there was nothing provocative going on and I was fully clothed in just plain street clothes. My parents wouldn't let me leave home in anything less! I had to weigh it out and give it a lot of thought and realize that none of it was my fault. I had to realize that sometimes things happen that we did not cause, just because it happened to us does not make us at fault sometimes.

Bonus:

I have forgiven my rapist. I have forgiven his wife for not acknowledging, but instead, blaming me. She did not want to face the reality of it. It didn't happen in front of her. I told her about how he pulled and dragged me off into the brush when I was with my friends in the water swimming (in a t-shirt and cut offs (not super short cut offs with my cheeks hanging out either - no way what I have been allowed to wear something like that), not a swimsuit or a bikini). We were swimming at the dam and it was noisy (The closer to the dam you get, the more it drowns everything out but the flow of the waterfall going over) and I had branched off from my friends because I was going to get out for a minute and take a short break. Since I really didn't care for this guy (but somehow still considered him a "friend" up to that point) and my hackles went up every time I saw him, there was no attraction - there was no flirting from me, EVER. He just grabbed me and dragged me... I didn't even know he was there. He had just driven up in a Jeep. I didn't see him drive up, but I know that he/the Jeep had not been there a minute before. He did not come to swim, and that shows intent because once it was all over, he tried to force me to get in his Jeep, but I broke free! Then he took off. He was there to find some sort of a sexual slave or something... I just happened to be it. My friend's (his wife's) reasoning caused a rift in a good friendship, but I had to let all that go. It wasn't my fault. 

Unfortunately, after the fact, she had to find out from other people what he had done to them in a similar way to what happened to me. She did apologize to me later, but the damage was done. My heart broke for her though.

He was an evil, evil man. With that forgiveness, came prayer for them both. They divorced way back in the '70s, but I still pray for both of them separately for them to come to Christ and be healed from the bonds of evil and literal denial in their minds.

............................

Con:

My first husband abused me mentally and physically, and he cheated on me a lot.

Pros:

He was an alcoholic. I learned about alcoholism and addiction. I learned about where his behavior came from even though he refused to go through counseling He said nobody was going to tell him how to live his life. He was narcissistic, and he didn't like women counseling him either. 

... His childhood was a disaster. His father was abusive to his mother and the kids, HE was an alcoholic, and he cheated all the time. That was the example set.

Bonus:

I have forgiven him. All these things taught me to learn how to relate to people going through the same thing. It taught me to learn why people do what they do (if it all possible). I did not stay with him after 9 years... I was told way before that that I was going to end up in the morgue if I didn't get out. The thing is, I didn't have anywhere to go. It took a lot of careful planning and it took me about 4 more years to actually be able to get out. 

It helped me realize that children also need to be separated from that behavior. Mine saw way too much. Add to that, the stress that it put on me caused me to not me as good of a mother as I could have been. I was born angry, so it was already a battle. It's not fair that my children or anyone else's ever have to suffer because of things like that. I have to forgive myself and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I struggle with it constantly. But I have come this far forgiving other people. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to help me forgive myself.

I was brought up not to divorce. I just hit a point where I could no longer tolerate the disrespect and the displays put on in front of my children. A lot of people go through this, where they agonize about what to do. I'm not condoning divorce, but in my case, I had to leave. Sin or no sin on my part (And believe me, I was far from perfect), it was between God and me and if I did wrong by getting away from him, God has long since forgiven me.

............................

Con:

My brother, who is a pastor's first wife cheated on him. Then he remarried and that wife cheated on him.

Pros:

After carrying intense anger and hatred in my heart toward the sisters-in-law, God dealt with me and I was able to forgive them both.

Bonus:

These things were learning experiences for the me. 

My brother did remarry and she doesn't cheat on him! I really loved his first wife, and I was heartbroken when I found out she was cheating on him. The reconnection with her was good and I just told her that I forgive her for what happened and she said it took her years to give that up... that sickness. That attraction to other men... I loved that she was candid with me. It rekindled my love for her in spite of what happened. That's true forgiveness. 

The other (2nd) wife not so much. I did forgive her and let her know, but her reaction was messed up. Then she told me that she forgave me and that was a good thing I suppose, but I wasn't really asking her to... The conversation was just strange. At the same time, I was never close with her. I'm a realist, and I don't put on a facade or try to act like anything I'm not and this person was pretty fake about everything in my opinion, or at least that's how she came across. In fact, when I confronted her when she did cheat on him she told me it wasn't what I thought. It totally was. Even the parishioners knew! It was blatant. I have developed a pretty innate spidey sense. I never fully warmed up to her. It was just strange. Nonetheless, I wanted my brother to be happy - therefore, I accepted her and was never unkind to her until she pulled her shenanigans. 

............................

Notice the pattern here? Most of the bonuses are that it draws me closer to God, it creates forgiveness in my heart, all the while seeing the reality of it all, lessening the load on me that I was carrying in such a huge way, and it causes me to pray more. It opens my spirit up so that I can focus on God! It gives me testimony so that other people can see that if I could do it, so can they.

Forgiveness does not mean that what happened is okay. EVER. It means that you have given it to God and you're not going to carry it anymore and let it define your path. It doesn't mean you exactly accept what happened, but it did happen. That's the reality of it. You can't change it. So in order to free up your heart and soul, you have to forgive and give it to God. If you are struggling with this, pray, pray, pray,  pray! Ask the Holy Spirit to soften your heart.

To follow are some of my favorite scriptures about this:

1 Peter 5:7

"God cares for you, so turn all your worries over to him."

Colossians 3:13

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Ephesians 4:32:

"And  be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

I hope that this has been helpful and that it helps you realize that you're not alone.

Other people have gone through much the same and God is the only answer to helping us through our hurts and help us be able to forgive.

You can't bury it. You can't mask it with alcohol or self-medication. It will keep rearing its ugly head until you're deal with it and move past it.