Celibacy, PTSD, Hearing Loss and Praying

I have been celibate for over 8 years now. There is no religious reason for that. 

My decision to become celibate was that my PTSD was so bad, and I am such a damaged individual, that I have too much baggage and I'm not relationship material. It took me 50 years to realize that and that's sad. I mean, I would have saved myself (and others) so much hassle if I would have realized it earlier in life. Instead, I entered into relationships and damaged other people with all my damage and baggage. It's a vicious cycle because they damaged me more at the same time. 

I also have Epstein-Barr virus and I don't want to pass it on to anyone else.

The day I decided to stop dating and stop having sex at all was probably the most freeing day of my life, and I don't miss it.

I really love being alone and I FINALLY saw the pattern in my life of choosing really bad men and thinking somehow I could conquer them and make them love my desperate, confused self. Mixed in there, were a few good guys, but they bored me and I left. A few of them smothered me. I just couldn't stand it. When I was a little kid I was out on my horse or with the cows or whatever playing all by myself a lot. I didn't need a constant companion. In fact, it got so bad I called them "leg humpy". I can't stand that, no matter how well meant it may be. Anyway, I couldn't handle a decent man that showed me love. Hence, my relationship with the Lord in the past... I couldn't handle thinking that someone actually loved me and cared about me And I didn't have to do a thing to earn it.
Ultimately, God waited for me to finally make full circle and come back to him. People who used to preach at me learn not to because it became evident that I would just go the other way about much more so. Everything gentled down. I don't know how else to word it. My spirit gentled down as well. One day it just became the right thing to do and no one pressured me into it!

I know it all stems from my abusive father not being available the way he should have been. He was kind of "around", but he was always doing things and tinkering and he was a workaholic. Most of the time, if he was around us he was yelling at us about something. He never read us stories, we never took vacations, or any of that warm and fuzzy stuff. He was a rough, tough cowboy. Looking back, *I know he did the best he knew how to do*. I hold no resentment or unforgiveness. 
Dad took me camping a few times but there were other people and it wasn't like I was ever the center of his attention, nor were there ever any s'mores. Again, I have to stress that I loved my dad, God rest his soul. All that has been forgiven. 
- But it just shows how important a father is in his daughter's life. To show her he loves her unconditionally and to give her the gift of his time. To teach her what kind of man to choose in her future. Men, be a real dad!

So back to the celibacy thing - 
It's freeing and I'm happy I made the choice. My focus isn't all caught up in trying to please another human being, or selfishly thinking that another human being is around to please me, or for me to try to tame or control. I have become fiercely independent, I am set in my ways and used to being alone. Most of my time is spent in silence, I'm hearing impaired, so if there are noises, I wouldn't know it most of the time anyway, lol.

Once I had a roommate that used to check on me because I was quiet. He would come to the door just to see if I was still breathing. He was one of those people that had to constantly have the television and/or the stereo on at the same time, sometimes full blast. He would sit in the living room and watch, or listen to it and scream and holler things like someone else was in the room with him. Like I guess he was hoping I would hear him? To me, it was like Charlie Brown's teacher because of my hearing loss. I could hear a voice, but it was muffled and sounded like someone was talking with oatmeal in their mouth. I tried to just tune it out. Not easy. Eventually, I learned the beauty of wearing noise canceling headphones or ear plugs. I rely on the headphones and closed captioning if I watch television. If not for that, I would have to turn it up so loud that it would disturb the people down the street! I actually felt sorry for my roommate. He couldn't handle silence. He ran from it.

I'm the same way about praying. I was raised in a Pentecostal, "holy roller"  type church (Foursquare Gospel), and all my life I was dragged to services, like it or not.
Those people were loud!

When I pray, for some reason I like to do it quietly. I don't like a lot of activity and noise going on around me. It's basically the opposite of how I was raised. I don't know why that is, but prayer - being alone with God - I think maybe the quietness and the praying in my head shows more reverence on my behalf.
I'm just musing out loud here, I'm not judging anyone else. If y'all pray loud, go for it. I'm only talking about myself. It seems to work better for me.
Something I say a lot is, "whatever feeds your soul". That applies to however you choose to pray.

If you start following my blog, you'll notice that I ramble and I get off subject easily. I'm trying to guide myself back to it, but I think I've said enough already.

🌺



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